Worst Colleges in America 2008

It’s that time of year. For many of us, we have started our freshman year at the institution of our choice and have nearly completed the first quarter or semester. Dorms, parties, books, freedom, they’re all part of what makes the college experience great.

Then again, there’s that scary possibility that maybe you’re not going to the ideal place of higher learning? Perhaps the teachers didn’t graduate high school? Or there is a 50 percent chance you’ll be shot?

Luckily, Radar is looking after you with its “Worst Colleges in America” series. It categorizes colleges into multiple folders of fail for your safety. Read on to make yourself feel better about not attending one of the not-so-fine universities:

• Worst College in America: University of Bridgeport- “We scoured the country for a more deserving dishonoree, we really did. But once again the University of Bridgeport has swept the competition in every category, not only for its meager academics, post-apocalyptic campus, and downright shady administration, but because we simply can’t imagine a more terrifying place to spend four years.”
• Most Degenerate Student Body: San Diego State University- “The revelry was halted briefly this year when the police broke up a drug ring involving seven fraternities, four pounds of cocaine, 350 ecstasy pills, 50 pounds of marijuana, and four firearms (as well as undisclosed amounts of hallucinogens, hash oil, methamphetamine, and illicit prescription drugs). Seventy-five students were arrested, adding to an already impressive total of 785 drug- and alcohol-related arrests on campus over the past two years.”
• Most Superficial: University of Southern California- “For the affluent, genetically blessed SoCal beach-dweller, there is only one place to matriculate. A three-ring circus of Beamers, buffed blondes, and occasionally natural tanning, USC is a silicone bubble of high-gloss narcissism and Hollywood entitlement.”
• Ugliest Campus: Drexel University- “Cracked sidewalks, decrepit classrooms, structural blight, megatons of gray concrete, and a giant, looming smokestack will leave you wondering what brutalist fiend slapped together this sorry excuse for a campus. There are just three athletic fields (two of which are Astroturf) for 13,000 students; the only other strip of vegetation at Drexel is endearingly called the ‘rape garden.’
• Biggest Rip-off: Hampshire College- “If college is an investment, Hampshire is a commemorative pewter tankard from the Franklin Mint.”
• Most Dubious Degree: Trump University- “At TU there are no tests, grades, or, for that matter, college credits or degrees—just the crass and predatory exploitation of naive everymen sold on an easy ticket to the American Dream.”
• Most Intolerant: University of Mississippi- “Though it’s been banned on campus for years, the occasional Confederate flag still pops up at football games. And you’ll still hear them singing ‘Dixie,’ despite what anyone says about the racist undertones of lines like ‘I wish I was in the land of cotton / Old times there are not forgotten.’”
• Most Stoned: UC Santa Cruz- “Located—and we’re not making this up—at 1156 High Street in a city with one of the most liberal marijuana policies in the country (pot ranks dead last as a local law enforcement priority), UC Santa Cruz is so high right now, brah.”
• Most Overrated: Harvard University- “Welcome to the most elite nursery school in the land, where severe grade inflation ensures that the ruling class’ precocious overachievers all feel like winners. At Harvard, it’s almost impossible to graduate with less than a B+ average, and academic prizes are awarded like participation trophies at summer camp. Over 90 percent of the class of 2004 graduated with honors, and there are 800 “editors” on the student newspaper, the Crimson (you can’t tell a Harvard student that he’s just a reporter).”
• Most Closeted: Deep Springs College- “Located in a desert 27 miles from the nearest town, Deep Springs is a private, all-male two-year experimental college known for turning boys into rugged intellectual he-men. As a working cattle ranch and alfalfa farm, it’s also one of the only institutes of higher education where you can expect to rope a good steer before the end of your stay (ahem).”
• Most Insufferable: Swarthmore College- “Militant political correctness is alive and well at Swarthmore, which, according to a current student, fosters a culture that ‘glorifies overwork, neurosis, and fixation on impossible ideals.’”
• Most Ironically Named Christian College: Liberty University- “Founded in 1971 by the late Jerry Falwell, who blamed gays and Teletubbies for everything from AIDS to 9/11, Liberty is the world’s largest indoctrination machine, or ‘evangelical university.’ Thanks to a strictly enforced schoolwide ban on alcohol, tobacco, gambling, R-rated movies, and horseplay (‘They will treat you like a dirty sinner for having your shirt un-tucked’), students at the ironically named college don’t seem to enjoy much of a social life.”
• Most Radioactive: New Mexico State University-”New Mexico State University Carlsbad is located just 26 miles downwind of the Department of Energy’s notorious Waste Isolation Pilot Plant, where most of the U.S. government’s geriatric military-grade nuclear waste is stored in a vast salt bed.”